Control is a Myth


As I write this, I have sworn off the striving. And it feels so good. I have stopped flailing- I have accepted my inability to control outcomes. There is only silence where control used to shout loudly and I feel somewhat like a shell- a carved out woman. I am unaccustomed to the quiet corridors of my own soul. It is eerie.
I can hear questions echoing off of my soul walls. I am unsure of what to do with all this space, but something warns me to keep my hands off of it. It is sacred- holy- I must let it be. And I inhale and exhale deeply, surprised that this is all there is to me- that I could be so little. But I am sure that I have finally begun to reach the truth about myself- and that now I can really begin to live the fullness intended for me. But for now it feels like a beginner’s game- like practice. Sometimes I feel near emotionless and I move in broad strokes- mindful of my disengagement with the world around me, and I question, is this right? It seems I care so much less than I used to. But maybe I was caring about the wrong things then, and now I have the room to care more about what He cares about. Things I didn’t have time to get to before. My head is spinning as I adjust to life off of the dizzying wheel I was on. I am finding, as I try to let Jesus have all of me that my life becomes much less concrete and much more fluid, much less measurable and much more subjective. I am lost in a great Unknown, a vast ocean of possibility. I am held by the All-Knowing One in an ocean of grace. I was drawn too close to the banks of His River and it swept me away. It is cold and deep and powerful and untamed. Like adrenaline, it rushes from head to toe leaving me gasping. It takes my breath away and I am out of control. I am submerged and overtaken by His wild Great Waters and my heart screams “Don’t fight it! You were made for this!” “You were made for this!” I breathe in the Water and my lungs become like gills and my being is filled with the Divine. I am surrendered to the Great Waters and I am at peace- I can finally rest. If this is what letting go of control feels like, I can never go back willingly. I will trade the chains of momentary control for the waters of momentary uncertainty- for this is where my Savior holds me- and this is where eternal influence is forged.


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