Let’s Get Physical

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I got out of bed today and shuffled directly to the coffee pot. I don’t always make coffee in the morning, but today I had time and I craved it. I also made a “green” smoothie with all sorts of healthy things and thought to myself how skinny I will be getting if I keep this up. And I can’t deny how much happier I am since I have started consistently working out again. My face is thinner and my arms have definition. My mood is just generally better. But then I wonder if I am actually on a slippery slope because surely it isn’t God’s intention for me to care about such things. I mean, just look at the world…. I must be pretty selfish. But I feel better, I am better to my husband, I have more energy for my son, and I am just nicer to be around. I can’t deny it.

So, I drink it down, wash my face, and head to church. Thinking I am becoming so “worldly” and I must be chasing the wrong things, I feel a bit of shame coming over me but try to shrug it off. But shame is sticky stuff.

Today is our day to play on the worship team. And oh, how I love being in that place with those people. My heart soars as we sing and I start to play louder and try new riffs in the higher octaves and after months of playing with the band, I finally am not startled to hear myself apart from the others. I used to think it was prideful to want to be heard- and I didn’t want anything to be heard from me that I hadn’t decided was as close to perfect as I could achieve. So, to let myself enjoy worship with very imperfect piano playing, convinces me that this quest for more love and less fear is actually leading me someplace good. So much of what I used to think was “self-indulgent” or “prideful,” now I see as humble. Because in order to do them, I have to not be concerned about how I will appear or be perceived. So putting myself out there and letting myself be seen is actually less prideful than the hiding ever was. Weird- but oh so joyful.

The gifts He gives us are meant for our enjoyment and His. I want to be free to give them back to Him and to other people as He wills without fear holding me captive. The medium is His- let Him have it, let Him use it, just enjoy that its your hands that get to give it to Him and to others. And be free to receive His gifts through others too. I hope these are the first steps leading toward love- being able to be an open channel for God to love other people through me because I am finally unafraid. I always thought it was presumptuous to think I could accomplish something great and arrogant to want to- but actually, we all want to do something great (I think He made us this way) and if we are about what God is about- namely, loving people, then why wouldn’t He want us to be great at that? And maybe this is why caring for ourselves is good- because when we are His, He is committed to making us our true, fully alive, originally intended selves- each specifically handcrafted conduits for His love to touch the world.

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Beth Morey
    Jan 27, 2014 @ 19:50:25

    love love love this.

    Reply

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