When Prayer is Hard

IMAG0951

Prayer becomes hard when it makes me

face pain that I could avoid

feel what I could be numb to

try when I could give up

forgive what I could cling to

see what I could ignore

And I avoid it because I don’t want to cry out in pain and be told I must continue down the hard road.

I don’t want to let the tears flow and be told that I must be the one to change.

It is easier to not feel- to become like iron.  unchanged by joy or pain- numb.

but this is false comfort- counterfeit. 

and despite my resistance, I am still unexplainably drawn to pray. it must be hope that draws me. there is a knowing in me that I didn’t put there. a promise that this is the way to my Maker’s heart. that real life requires feeling- that life in the deep embraces the truth of our sometimes devastatingly painful reality. that if I am ever to really know the heart of God, I must allow Him to grate my heart until it knows the rawness of His love. This is my one life- my one chance to live it. Prayer is the only place I know that will make this existence that embraces two worlds- the broken humanity and the perfect divine possible.

Light-Blood

IMAG0977

YOU LET ME CATCH MY BREATH

YOU REMEMBERED ME
YOU CAME BACK FOR ME

WHEN MY HEART SUNK YOU CAUGHT IT
AND PUT ME BACK WHERE I BELONGED

YOUR BEAUTY STUNNED ME
I WASN’T READY FOR IT
LIKE LIGHTENING IT STRUCK ME
AND I COULDN’T LOOK AWAY
THOUGH IT HURT TO STARE-
I COULDN’T LOOK AWAY

YOU ARE STUNNING
ALL I KNOW PALES
AND I LONG TO REPRODUCE IT

BUT THE COPY IS INSIDE OF ME

IF I WANT TO SEE IT
I MUST BREAK OPEN
LET THE LIGHTENING TEAR A HOLE
SO THE LIGHT CAN BREAK FORTH

YOUR HEART BEATS MERCY
IT PULSES LOVE

YOUR FACE MUST BE LIKE SUNBEAMS
GLEAMING- EYES THAT INSPIRE RAVENOUS DESIRE TO BE NEAR YOU
TO JUST GET NEAR ENOUGH TO TOUCH

TO BE ELECTRIFIED
LIT UP, GLEAMING, ALIVE, ON FIRE FROM THE INSIDE
AND NOT BURNED UP

LIKE A STAR ABLAZE WITH
LIQUID ENERGY-
LIKE LIVING LIGHT-BLOOD
PULSING THROUGH MY BODY

DO YOU MAKE ME ALIVE LIKE THAT?
AM I A LIGHT-BEING?
DOES MY SPIRIT SHINE?
DOES IT MAKE THE DARKNESS HATE ME?

YOUR LIGHT-BLOOD IS MY LIGHT-BLOOD

A Prayer for Renewal

I miss You.

I’ve been distracted… busy, yes,

but unwilling to slow and listen.

You are near- I know

I think of You often- I love You but don’t slow

enough to tell You so.

I love the You I know from the past…

I don’t know the You of right now.

I try to build my life on experiences of You

from the past- I am content with the lessons of yesterday.

But the lessons of yesterday aren’t life for today.

I miss You.

I want to talk with You again- in the everyday moments,

I need Your inspiration.

My strength is not enough- it hurts, never heals.

You are near I know.  I live on crumbs, Open my eyes

so I can see you in the midst of monotony.

In the midst of chaos.  In failure after unspoken failure.

You know them all.

You are more than any experience that shouts my limits-

You are there in the chaos, the distraction.

Please show me what I’m missing

Please show me the way to hear you

when all I feel I can do is what is in front of me.

When all undone beckons me-

I want to be the one undone in love with You.

Please restore the joy of Your salvation.

You are not a goal to be obtained.  You are a Person to be known.

A person unlike any other-

showing Your worthiness of all love and desire with every day.

I miss you too.

Thank You for the quiet….the stillness.

Thank You for the desire in my heart that wants only You.

I’m sorry for thinking other things might satisfy it.

The foot of Your throne has a place for me.

You hear me.

You are not so far away.

I am tired, spent- I need Your life.

I need to hear You.

You have brought me this far-

You will bring me al the way home.

How we all just long for home.

Would You Just Relax?

IMAG0548

 

Boy, have I been hearing this a lot lately.  I’ve been saying it to myself.  I’ve been hearing it subtlety from people who love me-

who probably would shout it if they thought I could handle it.

I feel like a tree grunting and grimacing trying to pop out some fruit.  Ridiculous and funny, but it is a pretty good picture of me these days.

So, if nothing else, I’m hilarious.  Guess there’s that.

 

 

IMAG0442

 

I even heard it from The One this morning- deep- like  a sort of knowing.  And my whole being heard it.

He said it through the pavement beneath my feet on my morning run, through the deer that stayed her ground as my pounding feet approached her, through the grass, wet from sprinklers, through the oblong moon shining, and the cool breeze yet to be replaced by scorching heat.

I heard Him say it- and it echoed through the neatly swept corridors of my soul.

 

You already have it all.

If this is all you ever do, If this is all you ever become- It is enough.

You have Me- You are free- like a bird, like the wind.  And you are bound to Me- like the oblong moon in orbit, like your feet to the pavement.  You are bound by things you cannot see, but you can feel and you can trust- You don’t have to strive.  You are free within these bounds. 

 

IMAG0664

 

Unfettered, I ran.  I felt the exhilaration of freedom pulsing through my pounding heart.  The breath of being alive moving through my lungs and the warmth of love flushing my skin.  And my heart exploded with gratitude.  Why is He so good?  How can this God be so wonderful, so brilliant?  And he drew me deeper.  And I loved Him more.

And I decided to release Him from my demands to know a specific “calling” or “purpose” and to step into the wide open space of just being His.

I’m thankful today for His good morning kiss that came whilst asleep and awakened me to such simplicity as this.

 

Let’s Share Our Air

It is just another day at the office.  There is someone new on the schedule and I shuffle in, ask the normal questions and decide on a course of action.  She is kind. She isn’t from here.

And her heart is bleeding, but I can’t see it.

The kind woman opens her mouth wide so that I can dig out pieces of leathery tooth that has died.  She asks me to  try and save some of what is left.

And her tooth aches but her heart bleeds- like a river, and I can’t see it.

I work on, and I ask about her plans here.  Her eyes glaze over and she half smiles.  “It is a sad story”, she says. She begins to speak of her daughter, in her thirties, gone to soon, only weeks ago.  I swallow hard.  I search for words.  And oh, how I ache for her. “I’m so sorry.”  My words anger me at their insufficiency. Suddenly, my hands feel useless as it is only her tooth I can fix.   I want to put down my instruments and hug her and cry and shake my fists in defiance and sit in ashes with her.  But that’s not why she came here, and that’s not what she needs today.  Not from me.

So I dig, and I pray, and I restore and I hope- that somehow this is more than a dental appointment- that God’s love is exchanged.

And I hope that somewhere in the rhythm of breathing, our souls will touch and we will perceive and share beyond surface level- that when we inhale and exhale and inhale again- the Spirit of God will somehow touch us both.  That God’s love will touch us.

And we intersect- people with people.  Hurting, broken, joyful, triumphant. We breath: we exhale, we inhale, we exhale, we inhale.  And we share life, and our very chemistry is altered in the exchange.

 

 

Not Just Words

DSCN2433

The emotions came.  They trickled at first, then this morning it was like a flood.

I thought I wanted it and I thought I was ready for it, but the knots in my stomach surprise me and there must be something I need here in this unknown place.

I signed up for a writing course that started July first and have been doing the prompts and thinking everything through and getting a lot of inspiration and beginning to dream that I will soon be able to share freely the words bumping around inside me.

But last night, things got real.  Personal.  I got my first peer-review from my blog.  And all of a sudden, fear struck me hard- deep into those places of insecurity and questioning.  Do I really want to do this?  Do I even belong here?  What am I thinking?

There they sat in front of me, the words I couldn’t wait to read, but that also made me tachycardic.  She was kind and encouraging and positive and insightful.  And I was excited and at the same time queasy.

I had real- live observations from a friendly stranger- she had the magnifying glass to my soul and I was open. These words that bleed from the wounds in my soul, that I trust no one with that I can’t hold very close.  That I’ve trusted only to a pen and paper, until now.

I am just now realizing how close I hold my words- they feel like all I have that are my own- they are me.  The real me.  And maybe this- this is why I must share them- without them I cannot share myself.  I have closed off other parts to a level of protection that is comfortable and manageable.  Now, I am opening up what I hold hidden and sacred- and I wonder, will I be safe?  I am letting go and it puts a burning pit in my stomach, and yet I know it is the way into the light.

And I am asking myself, why does this feel so serious?  They are just words.  But to me, they are not just words.

She asked the questions I have elicited in my writing. The ones I feared she would ask.  Questions that if answered, open me further.  And here I stand on the edge of what feels like a cliff and I don’t know if I can jump, or if I should, and why in the hell I came here willingly.

And yet in my depths, I know it is good, I know I belong here.

I am laid open and shy because I am being seen, the voice I have been pouring out in writing is being heard, and I blush.  Is this not what I have wanted?

And I am finding now that the very thing I long for so deeply, I want to run away from.  And I know this is the pushing I need, and I know God is here, and I feel Him all over this, and I fall into Him, and I trust Him, and I choose to trust His people.  And I’m not quite ready to jump, but my tennis shoes are nearing the edge and I kind of wish someone would just push me.

She gently affirms my voice and what burns in me to be heard, and she asks for more.  And I know there is more.

Thank you, Jenny Wells, for your insightful thoughts.  For your kind words and encouragement, and for holding my hand as I creep closer.  You are truly a gift!

What Runs Electric Through Your Veins?

This is a prompt from Story 101 with Elora Ramirez, www.thestoryunfolding.com .  I will probably be using several of the prompts here on my blog in the next few months.  So thankful for this voice-finding opportunity!

Consider this :: what is it that keeps you up at night? What could you talk about every single day for the rest of your life? What do you want to shout from the rooftops so everyone will know?

Come as you are! Jesus loves you! He is a person- as real, alive, and as close as your own skin.  Not a person that was, but  person Who IS. He’s not an idea, not a religion.  Not a set of rules you follow to feel good about yourself. He is a person wildly in love with you!  You can know him, spill your guts to him, tell him what you would call and tell your mom or best friend, tell him when you are angry, hurt, happy, confused.He will talk back and he is the one person who can heal you.

He loves, values, bleeds for the broken, hurt and dying.  His eyes weep over the suffering of this world.  He sees us.  He sees it all and for every bit our hearts break, his breaks more.  His compassion never fails, never misses the mark.  He loves when we are happy- when we know joy and all the goodness he created.  He doesn’t forbid our enjoyment.  He created it to be good.  There is no place we can go that he will not find us.

He died so we can know His love and live His life- and He continues to be there for us in all things.  Tell him when you hurt, tell him when you are angry.  He loves you!  He can handle it and knows it anyway.  Come forward, come clean- He has nothing but open arms for you.    Come, Come!!

God is LOVE.  Like a love you’ve never dreamed of.  One that meets desires you didn’t know you had.  He loves, he loves, he loves you.

Oh broken ones, pushed aside, not enough, mocked, pushed down, held down, he sees you. His loving gaze is ever on you.  Oh hopeless ones, tried and tried again and failed and failed again.  You are not too far gone.  If you got there by yourself or because of other people, it doesn’t matter.  His love transcends it all. Your need was created for Him to fill it.  Let Him love you!

Previous Older Entries Next Newer Entries